www.globalhumiliation.com

I don't wear mom jeans or have big bleachy hair, so getting my comment posted on Amy Grant's myspace page was no small feat. The first time, I wrote a short, sweet comment about, "I'm so happy we're friends now. I love you Amy Grant!" The second one involved more effort, something like: "Amy Grant, can we be best friends? We can bake cookies and sing songs." Still, the tasteful Amy Grant myspace comment moderator ignored me, posting comments from old has-beens who wrote things like "Thanks for the add!" (Insert sparkle horse, fairy or animated angel.)

I was fed up. I thought, "This is it. I'm putting it all out there." So I went into embarrassing detail about my former obsession/current appreciation of her. And guess what? It worked! Being a stalker really pays. Here's what I wrote:

"Hi Amy Grant. It's Jada. We met outside your tour bus 9 years ago. Remember? I've been writing you letters since I was 6 years old. I mean, I stopped for about 12 years what with high school and college, but I'm back! You're like a siren or something, I don't know. Hey, remember when you told that funny joke on the 700 Club about a little girl telling you you were a "sleave?" That was funny. I recorded that interview on VHS. A bunch of other interviews, too. And I subscribed to your newsletter, cut out all your magazine articles, hung the pictures on my wall and even did my hair like you. I learned to write like you and play the guitar and sing and I wore t-shirts with your picture on them. I saved $69 to go to one of your concerts in Albequerque, but you canceled it because not enough people were going to go. I was crushed, but I waited and waited, and when I turned 19, you came to San Antonio. I saw you outside of a Christian bookstore performing and then inside some place the next day. I wanted to tell you all this outside the bus that night, but I was tongue tied. So here I'm telling you on a myspace comment."

Psycho!